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Nathan Hansen's column: A new start for the new year

This is a great time of year. The calendar still has that new year smell. And since we’re starting fresh, it’s as good a time as any to make it clear what I don’t care about.

That doesn’t mean it’s a good time, I guess. Only that no other time would be better. Still, let’s forge ahead.

First, and maybe most important, I don’t care about what Miley Cyrus is doing. None of it. I don’t listen to her music. I never watched her TV show. And I don’t care what body part she’s jiggling about at what award show.

I feel like I have to mention this because we as a civilization seem to lose our collective minds whenever Miss Twerk spits out her gum on the sidewalk.

I get it if you think she’s a bad influence for your children. Clothed or not, it’s probably a bad idea for the youth of America to ride around on a wrecking ball. Or lick a sledgehammer, for that matter. It’s just not sanitary. By all means, give your kids the, “Just because your friends party in the USA doesn’t mean you have to” talk. Just don’t ask for my opinion.

One of the very worst things about the Internet, aside from videos that play automatically with the sound way too loud, is its ability to allow everyone to be instantly outraged, and to share that outrage with the world, or at least with the six people who follow you on Twitter. Because journalists are lazy, they mistake the things people talk about on Twitter with things people actually care about. And all of a sudden Miley dry-humping a clown or whatever at the Estonian Music Awards becomes a news story. And then Miley or that bearded guy from Duck Dynasty are in the featured-news spot on CNN’s web page. And I get a breaking news alert. Because apparently CNN has no idea anymore what actually qualifies as breaking news.

About the closest I come to caring about Miley Cyrus is watching the Chatroulette version of her Wrecking Ball video on YouTube. If you haven’t seen it, just search Chatroulette and Wrecking ball. Start the new year out right. You can thank me later.

I don’t care that all of this probably makes me sound like a cranky old man. Although I will care if I find you on my lawn.

I don’t care about photos of your dashboard thermometer this week. Or a screen capture from the weather app on your phone. Or an etching of your outdoor weather station, if you’re old school. I know it’s cold. It’s December in Minnesota. It happens.

I don’t care what Facebook thinks are my top moments from 2013. I’m pretty sure my best moment from 2013 isn’t on Facebook. Because it happened in the real world. Which is not Facebook, in case that’s not clear.

I don’t care who wrote the book of love. Because if they haven’t figured it out by now they probably never will. And Google’s probably giving the book away free for now anyway.

I don’t care if you think my references to a pop song from the 50s are remotely relevant.

I don’t care about the demise of the Metrodome. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been a Vikings or Twins fan. Maybe I just don’t have a heart. My best memories of the Dome come from Rosemount Irish state football games, or Dwyane Wade in the NCAA Tournament.

It was an ugly building. It will be replaced by a building that is less ugly. Or ugly in a different way, depending on your perspective. And no matter what it looks like, I’m sure the Vikings will find new and creative ways to let us all down there.

Now that I think about it, there’s a lot I won’t care about in the new year. I’ll care about all of you, though. And I hope 2014 year is the best you’ve ever had.

Nathan Hansen

Nathan Hansen has been a reporter and editor with the Farmington Independent and the Rosemount Town Pages since 1997. He is very tall.

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