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Nathan Hansen's column: Tales of some sexy beasts

I try not to get too involved in other people’s matters of personal preference. Some people like spicy food. Others need to chug a glass of water after eating a slice of pepper jack cheese. Some enjoy TV shows about spoiled housewives. Others watch documentaries. I don’t judge.

Like, if I found out an otherwise rational adult considered themselves a fan of Justin Bieber, I would probably just smile politely and chalk it up to a poor upbringing.

But, like, not in a judgmental way.

Still, you have to draw a line somewhere, don’t you? There are some matters of taste where it’s OK to simply stand with conviction and say, “Yeah, I don’t think so.” Or possibly something a touch more eloquent but with the same general sentiment.

Take, for example, the world of dinosaur erotica. Call me old fashioned, but if you show me works of fiction that feature lovely young women having intimate relationships with prehistoric beasts, I’m going to think it’s weird.

I don’t think they’re even married.

Dinosaur erotica exists, by the way. I swear I didn’t just make it up. So far as I can tell, it’s a field dominated by a pair of Texas A&M students who go by the names Christie Sims and Alara Branwen. They saw an opportunity and started churning out eBook short stories with titles like Taken at the Dinosaur Museum, Taken by the T-Rex and Taken by the Pterodactyl. Given these titles, I can only assume petty theft is a frequent subplot in the pair’s stories.

Sims and Branwen are by far the most vocal in the field of lusty thunder lizards, but they’re not alone. Perhaps my favorite title in the genre comes from a woman named Sofia Wood, who called her apparently lone contribution to the collection Jurassic Poke. The subtitle, of course, is Taken by the T-Rex.

I honestly don’t know how a t-rex could function as a petty thief. Like he’s pickpocketing anybody with those tiny little arms.

(Sims and Branwen, I should point out, write erotica of other types. Their 17 pages of Amazon listings also include Taken by the Gryphon, Taken by the Pegasus, Taken by the Troll and … honestly, somebody needs to get these women a thesaurus. This is out of control.)

So, yes, I judge. And yet, it appears I may be missing out. Most of the pair’s stories appear to be in the 20-page range. They charge $2.99 each. And according to an interview with New York Magazine they make enough they were able to quit their part-time jobs. Combined, they say, they make more than a friend who has been working for five years as an engineer at Boeing.

All on the muscular backs of pulchritudinous prehistorical creatures. Or, probably not always on the backs. If you know what I mean.

Also, if you know what I mean, please don’t explain it to me.

Some of you might think I’m overreacting. “What’s the big deal?” you might be thinking. “It’s just college kids having some fun.” A few of you might even be breaking out your credit cards for a copy of Ravished by the Triceratops.

That’s between you and Visa, I guess. But if intimate encounters with scaly beasts isn’t enough to cause concern, try this: What if Miley Cyrus was twerking with a dinosaur?

It’s a different story now, right?

Nathan Hansen

Nathan Hansen has been a reporter and editor with the Farmington Independent and the Rosemount Town Pages since 1997. He is very tall.

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