Nathan's column: Putting in a personal request
Hello, Winter. It's me. Nathan. I think we need to talk.
I can appreciate what you're doing, Winter. You got a bit of a late start last year, and now that you've dug in, you don't want to go. You're like a tick that way, and I can appreciate it. But Winter? I don't much care for ticks. They carry lyme disease. And they're kind of gross looking.
Wednesday was the first day of spring, and the forecast high was 20 degrees. I realize we're a northern state, Winter, but be reasonable.
You had a pretty good run, Winter. Those heavy snowfalls? The snow emergencies? All those people getting their cars towed? Those were pretty classic. The warm days you threw in there every now and then just to get our hopes up? The rain and the melting? Good ones. You really had us going.
But this thing you did on Monday, with the wind and the blowing snow and the cars going into ditches like all of a sudden we're a state of Billy Joels behind the wheel? That's really too much.
I'm tired of wearing sweaters, Winter. It was 80 degrees on St. Patrick's Day last year. I sat outside without a coat and watched NCAA tournament games on my phone. It's not the most social thing I've ever done, but still. There was sun. I like the sun.
How bad has it gotten, Winter? Consider that this year's NCAA tournament starts this week and I'm spending time worrying about the weather when I could be figuring out which 14 seed to put in the Final Four.
I realize some people like you, Winter. They ice skate or ski or, I don't know, store meat outside. I tried cross country skiing a couple of years ago. It was the first time I'd gone since I was on the team in high school. It was the same skis, too. They're older than this year's high school seniors now and one of the boots doesn't zip up quite right, but I did it.
No more, though. It's too much work. Not the skiing. That wasn't bad. But the getting ready was a pain. There's an iron involved. And melting wax. And so much scraping. It's exhausting.
Now I go to the gym, Winter. But honestly, there's only so much time a person can spend on an elliptical machine before the world stops making sense. If I develop treadmill toe it's your fault, Winter. Do you want that on your conscience?
I didn't think so.
And treadmill toe is too a real thing.
I need to get outside, Winter. I need to put away my shovel and get out my lawn furniture.
OK, that's not true. I do need to put that shovel in the shed, but the lawn furniture will be good as soon as all that snow melts off of it. I never did get around to putting it away last fall.
I want to ride my bike, Winter, and not on one of those stuck-in-place hamster wheel trainers I've been using on Saturday mornings. Did you hear I crashed one of those, Winter? I bent my back wheel. Who does that?
I do, Winter. And it needs to stop. You need to stop.
You can come back later, Winter. But for now you really need to go away.
What's that? They're forecasting heavy snow on Sunday?
You're a jerk, Winter. You know that?